The Teacher Tearjerker

Educators of the world, get those hankies out.

Because this...[dramatic pause]...is your story.



Yes, every year you need some good "louck" as you embark upon that harrowing journey:

Back "toschol."

Here you will continue on for an indeterminate amount of time.

"4" more...years?
Sure, let's go with that.

During this time, you will expand your students' cultural horizons:

Perhaps by "celabrating" the mythical continent of "Afraicia."

You will "suport" your prep times:

(While grading the staff room cakes in your spare time.)

And, of course, you will strive to instill a love of reading into your young charges:

Not to mention their "comunity."

Until one day, the unthinkably terrifying will occur.

Your students will turn 18.

Yes, you've ushered another generation into adulthood!

"Yu dib it!!!"

And your reward?

(One baker, two cakes, two different mistakes.)

Now you can join with your students' families in saying...

"Happy Gracturations!"

yAEh!

And if you're really lucky, one day a former student just might come back to visit, bearing cake:

A cake of "apprication."

Aaron R., Marissa S., Alisha G., Kelly D., Amy S., Kim B., Rebecca N., Kasey, Stacey W., Anony M., Rebekah, & Amy S., have you thanked a teacher today?

- Related Wreckage: Cake Wrecks, World Educator

Once in a Lifetime Wrecks

Sometimes, something so noteworthy, so unique, so rare, so sparse, so infrequent, so atypical, so uncommon, so "totally rad" happens that there are really no words to explain it.

Thankfully, we're here to help... and we're professional* writers.

[*And by "professional" we mean "have access to - and no fear of using - a thesaurus."]

Halley's Comet whizzes through our skies once every 76 years. Something tells me this fiery gem will still be on the shelf in time for the next sighting in 2061.

Suggestively Hairy Graduation Cheese hasn't been spotted since he handed little Tommy Silverstein his 3rd grade diploma at Jameson County Elementary back in 1873.

It seems obvious that the Loch Ness Monster would receive a beautifully constructed cakey fanfare after her famous reported sighting back in 1933:

However, photographers rarely catch old Nessie in what would later be described as her "Can-of-Beans Pose," in which Nessie approaches the surface with an open mouth and an old-timey telephone cord protruding from her head. Very rare, this shot. Very rare.

[We have a feeling that these cakes are actually a guitar, a pencil, and a wide-mouthed bass, but our reality is more fun.]


Lesli W., Anony M., & Brandi M., you guys are great, significant, exceptional, extraordinary, humongous, ample, notable, redoubtable, dominant, imposing, majestic, splendid, killer, hunky-dory, and swell.

- Related Wreckage: World's Worst Pictionary Players

Don't Toy With Me, Man

It probably started innocently enough.

"Hey, let's add a little stuffed rattle to this design, as a free bonus!'"

"We all know how much babies like cake!"

Now, despite the fact that this design requires no decorating skills whatsoever, it does have the fatal flaw of being a cupcake cake. [hawww ptooiee!] Which means, more often than not, you're going to get something like this instead:

"What the heck is it?"

"Who cares? Look, a free baby rattle!'

So, they nixed the CCCs and started putting the little stuffed toys on mini-cakes:

The vicious Venus Monkey Trapcake snares another victim.

Then they really started to mess with us.

1) Just how big is this cake?

2) Conversely, how tiny is that stuffed lamb?

3) Whichever it is, did the Wreckerator really think that lamb effectively "filled the space?"

4) Why put a baby's stuffed animal on an engagement cake, anyway? It has nothing do to with the design! It's like the cake was being wheeled past and the little guy just hopped on Bruce Willis style, riding it out to freedom while the building exploded around him.
(Ok, that last bit could be wishful thinking on my part.)

Of course, just when you think a little stuffed lamb might be appropriate, like on a baby shower cake, they go and do this:

That is solid icing, y'all. "Suprise!" indeed.

(Yes, I know "suprise" is spelled wrong.)

But getting back to the stuffed animals: like goldfish, these things are growing to fill their containers:

Sensible? Sanitary? Sane?

Good questions, all.

But perhaps the most important question of all is: When future generations look back on the day the "fake fur fiber fad" began, will this be one of Wikipedia's illustrations?

"With its high levels of sugar, fat, and 'colon-cleansing synthetic fiber', the Plush & Flush Diet soon became an overnight sensation in the U.S."

Bill B., Caryn C., Becky, Lisa Z., Kristen F., Allie C., & Emily B., more on point (ballerina pun ftw!), when do they start plopping Xbox 360's on these things, with little icing borders? "That'll be $467.39, please. Oh, and if you want games, then you have to buy the cupcakes separate."

- Related Wreckage: Phony

Sunday Sweets: Hope Springs Eternal

Many of you know Cakegirls from the show Amazing Wedding Cakes, or from Food Network cake challenges. Sisters Brenda and Mary and their staff have a reputation for fantastic, modern cake art, like this:


Many of you also know that on the morning of March 29th, the Cakegirls bakery tragically burned to the ground. Fortunately no one was hurt, but they did lose everything - and their staff is jobless until they can rebuild.

I have no doubt that Cakegirls will be back, bigger and better than ever, before too long. In the meantime, though, since their website gallery is currently down, here are a few of their lovelies I had on file:

I think this is my favorite; the yellow with the stripes is so cheerful, don't you think?

If you'd like to show your support for the girls, then buy a Cakegirls t-shirt. The proceeds will help all of the employees stay afloat until the bakery can rebuild.

But wait, I have more!

Read on a for a sweet story.

This next cake is by Jane, of Cakes Come True and Truffles, Too in Cincinnati. Jane has no idea I'm writing this today, or even that I write a blog (much less this one! [evil snicker]), but I recently had an encounter with her I'd like to share.

First, some quick background: For the past 9 months or so, I've been following the story of junior Wreckie Jacob Taylor, a courageous 9-year-old who battled brain cancer with a big smile, right up until the day he earned his wings. On the tearful day when we learned Jacob was gone, I read that the funeral reception would be serving food, and naturally thought of sending some sweets over.

Since this was in another state, I scrambled to find a local baker. I found Jane's website, and John called her. Miraculously, she agreed to make and deliver three cakes with less than 24 hours notice. Amazing, right?

Ah, but there's more...

About a week later, John and I got a card from Jane. In it, she told us she was so touched by Jacob's story that she'd decided to take all of the money we paid her and donate it- in his memory - to The Cure Starts Now, an organization working to cure pediatric brain cancer.

Now, if you're like me, then sometimes you get convinced that pretty much everyone on the planet sucks. (Or at the very least, everyone on the internet. Heh.) Some days you think everyone is just too self-absorbed to care. But sometimes, on those days, someone like Jane will come along, and give you a little hope. She didn't know us, or Jacob, and she had a regular 9-5 job in addition to her bakery business, but she still went above and beyond for us and for Jacob's family. So Jane, you rock. Thank you.

Well, that's my sweet story. Stay tuned for our regularly scheduled sarcasm.


- Similar Sweets: Cute-Tastic!

Sobering Celebrations

Choosing the right cake design to go with your message is key. After all, you wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea, now, would you?

Aw, now there's a warm welcome.

(And if you think an overly enthusiastic volunteer fire brigade might spell disaster, you're wrong. It spells "neiborhood.")

Baptism, baseball...they both involve dunking, right?

[UPDATE: I have just been informed that baseball does not, in fact, have dunking. Apparently that's hockey. My bad.]

Ah, Niko. That boy is creeping up on death like a herd of geriatric turtles. Why, it seems like only yesterday you were playing with Thomas the Tank Engine, huh, Niko? Maybe because it WAS only yesterday, but still.

(No, the 5 is not a typo; this really was for a fifth birthday party.)

Whoops, Karen T., Karen G., & Tammy C., apparently geriatric turtles come in flocks.


- Related Wreckage: Mixed Signals

More Monkey Business

I don't know where the monkey-themed CCC trend started, but we here at Cake Wrecks think it's just bananas.

I'm having a hard time figuring how those cupcake apendages are supposed to be legs. I mean, even the monkey looks confused. Not good.

Good grief! Well, you know those Hollywood monkey CCCs: Their faces just get more plastic every year.

This next little critter looks less like a monkey and more like my high school French teacher*:

"Monsieur Maurice! You and your poo belly are under arrest! Drop the mustard bottle and hand over the garden hose, s'il vous plait!"

*My high school French teacher was a woman. The resemblance is uncanny. I'm not kidding.

You know what they say: "If it's shaped like a star in a wheelbarrow, then it's just begging for a face and a tail."

I'm pretty sure that's an Irish proverb, Ashlee M., Malisa I., and Jenn & Tim M. Now, quit monkeying around and get back to work!

- Related wreckage: Monkey See, Monkey Doo-Doo