Prepare To Feel Festive

...whether you like it or not.

Ok, gang, let's run through that check list again.

Homicidal ghost penguins?

Check.


Santa's head on a pike?

Well, it's more like a "turret," but... check.



Pistol Pete's Gingerbread Gun Shop?

Shoot, look's like this baker's gunnin' for a raise! Quite a bang up job, too! Ha ha!

I mean: check.

Alrighty, looks like we're all set!

[speaking into headset] We have a "go" on "Festivities." Repeat: we have a "go" on "Festivities." Proceed with operation "Flower Dump."

Ah, the spirit is moving already!


Ok, let's get wardrobe in here to dress those frogs I ran over last night.

Perfect! They look just like reindeer!

Now, we just need to cram 57 wrapped candy canes, three pounds of icing, and this bucket of plastic flotsam onto a single cake round. Move it, team, move it!

I am so proud of you all right now I could just bust.


Well, gang, that's a wrap. Now, get out there this weekend, and have a ball!

Er.

Perhaps in a more figurative sense.

Felicitations to festive feelers Chardy C., Rose B., Amber, Dustin S., Cadence M., Ashley D., & Amy W.

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CCC Day #9

Birthday Wishes' mission is simple: to bring birthday parties to homeless children.

Click here to donate your dollar.

Operation: Jingle Bells

We here at the TSA believe that all potential-terrorist passengers should feel safe when they fly, even when they aren't. We also believe that there are literally billions of people in the world who want to kill us right now with their nail clippers and 3.01 oz containers of breast milk.

Therefore, after careful consideration, we have decided to institute stricter flight regulations and security screenings on all of Santa's reindeer.

What?!?

You heard us. Please remove your laptops and any loose change from your harnesses.

But...but...

That search comes later.

Well, you have my full attention.


Mr. Blitzen, you've been randomly selected to receive our enhanced "Freedom Pat" screening. Please step over here and spread your hooves.

Wait a minute, we're the good guys! We deliver joy and gifts to all the good children of the world!

We beg to differ. Remember the Twinkle Light Bomber?

Hey, that was an accident! And Dasher said he was sorry.


Ok, Mr. Blitzen, now we're going to slooowly slide our open palm up your inner flank...

Dude. You guys handle my jingle bells and we're going to have issues.


We're sensing some hostility here. Let's all just caaaalm down. Tell you what: after we're done with your group cavity search, why don't we all sing a festive holiday ditty together?

I really don't feel like singing right now.


Oh, come on. It'll make you feel better! [singing] Feliz Navidad...


I'm feeling...violated.


Feliz Navidad!

[gasping] Cold...hands...


Feliz Navidad,
Prospero Año y Felicidad!

That's it. Santa, next year we're walking.

.
.
.
.


Everybody now!

Feliz Navidad

do do do do do...

(Now with leg kicks!)

Feliz Navidad

do do do do do...

Feliz Navidad

Prospero Año y Felicidad!


The TSA would like to wish you all many enjoyable flights this holiday season, and also to remind you to pick up your souvenir backscatter photos once you've passed through security:

(Photo via BoingBoing)

Hellooo, Christmas cards!

Thanks to Kirstie, Penny V., Kelly O., Used Tire (if that's your REAL name), Jen, Lisa A., Caine I., Carrie N., Carissa H., & Amanda P., who believe that a song in one's heart and a hand up one's flank make for a truly festive holiday.

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CCC Day #8

Today's charity is The Water Project. These guys use 100% of all donations to drill wells and provide clean drinking water to developing nations. Believe it or not, nearly 1 billion people on the planet lack this basic life-need. Every $10 donated provides a person with clean water for 10 years.

Go here to donate your $1.

Sunday Sweets: Holly & Jolly

This week is going to be a hectic hustle for many of us: last minute gifts, travel, and, of course, dealing with the in-laws. So remember: when the stress gets too much, and the urge to throttle a relation becomes a little too overwhelming, just think of today's Sweets. They'll be sure to make you smile.

Or maybe just distract you long enough for your significant other to wrestle the broken gin bottle out of your hand.

Either way: a win, win.

Submitted by Paula J., and made by her husband. (Awww!)

Proof that sometimes it's the little things, and that amateur bakers can still rock the house.


Or, for those of you who prefer your holiday eye-candy with a side of creepy, Bleeding Heart Bakery has you covered:

Sub'd by Sherry, made by Bleeding Heart Bakery

As my Mainer hubby would say, "Wicket kewl!"

Not that a cake has to be big and sculpted to be a sweet Sweet, of course. Check this little cutie out:

Sub'd by Rita, made by Saint Honore Cake Shop

Aren't those "snow"-capped strawberries the best?

And now, the most amazing piped-icing pine cones I have ever seen:

Sub'd by Jennifer M., made by Bird-in-Hand Bake Shop

Icing purists, rejoice; it IS still possible to make Sweets fondant-free!

In fact, here's more proof:

Submitted by Tim M., made by Mrs. Maddox Cake Shop

This is such a simple design, but when done on a large scale (just how big is that piping tip??) it's really quite stunning. I also love the detail on the flower's center.


If you don't think "pink" and "Christmas" go together, you may be about to change your mind:

Made by Queene of Tartes

D'awwww.

And now a touch of blue:

Sub'd by Malerie C., made by Highland Bakery

We've got to have an ode to the big guy himself, of course:

Made by Cake Lady Cakes

And here one of his helpers tops the tree:

Sub'd by Barbara E., made by Manjares Pasteleria

This Curious George design is fabulous, of course, but you know what really steals the show?

Made by Cakebox Special Occasion Cakes

That snowman's hat. Srsly. SO CUTE.

And finally, a favorite simply because it made me laugh and go "awww" at the same time. (What do you call that, anyway? "Lawwwing?" Can we call it that?)

Made by How Sweet It Is! Bakery

Lawwwwww!


Be sure to send your Sweet nominations to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

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CCC Day #7

Child’s Play donates games and toys to sick children in a network of over 60 children's hospitals worldwide. (They are very kewl.)

Click here to donate your dollar!

Watch Your Step

George: "Clarence..." [clutching stomach] "I still don't feel so good."

Clarence: "Well I told you to be careful. I mean, what were you thinking?"

George: [groaning] "I don't know! It was just all so good! "

Clarence: "You should have stopped after that bowl of nuts. Or the box of raisins. And I wasn't going to say anything, but that third martini wasn't the smartest thing, either. "

George: [whimper]

Clarence: "And then you just had to go for that bowl of maraschino cherries, didn't you?"

George: "Sorry."

Clarence: "Yes, well, that's all fine and good, but who's going to clean this up?

"'Cuz I don't need the wings that bad."

Thanks, Anyaa D. You enjoy that fruitcake, now.

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CCC Day #6

Operation Smile provides free surgeries to repair cleft lip, cleft palate and other facial deformities for children around the globe. Just $240 can pay for a surgery - so what do you say we try to pay for at least 20, guys?

Click here to donate your dollar.

Our 1000th Post!

Holy Schnikes, Wreckies, can you believe this is our 1,000th Cake Wrecks post?!?

Yeah. So can I. ("Hey, John, write up another apology. This time you ticked off Weimaraner owners.")

Still, we've come a long way since that night I was bored and thought someone piping "under neat that" on a cake warranted a goofy cake blog. 'Course, at the time, I didn't think a cake could get much worse.

Um...

Yep. We've come a loooong way, baby.

We've discovered the uncharted horrors of the cupcake cake [patooie!]:



Delved into the creeptastic world of cakey cannibalism:


Learned to put numbers in their proper place:


Not to mention quotation marks!


Then there are the mounds of pastry poo, unintentionally suggestive turkeys, wedding day disasters...oh! And the hardest word in the English language to spell:

I like it.

But *most* importantly, we've learned what giant golf balls are called:

Say it with me, now:

Mission: Space!

Many thanks to wreckporters Kimberly F., Christopher T., Kathryn H., Cyndi P., Dao, Erin B., Jr M., & Kellie B., who all got that joke.

I hope.

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CCC Day #5

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.

Please click here to donate your dollar via First Giving.

The 12 Wrecks Of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A choking hazard in a treeeee.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Two buttered bells,
And a choking hazard in a tree.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Three whipped ghosts,
(And by "whipped," I mean they do what their wives tell them)
Two buttered bells,
And a study on the Heimlich for me.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Four day-glo Santas,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a bunch of crap in a gross tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

♪ Fiiiiiiiive molded 'shrooms! ♪
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a lot of flotsam in a gross tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Six pounds of icing,
♪ Fiiiiive fungusesssses! ♪
Four day-glo Santas,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And seriously, did you see all the stuff in that tree?

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♪ Fiiiiive Penicillin-bearing spores!! ♪ ♫
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a plastic coated nasty icing tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Eight runny egg yolks,
(WHY?!?)
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♪♫ Fiiiiive molded hallucinogenics!! ♪ ♫ ♫
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And is anyone even still reading this?

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Nine kiwis riding... reindeer? Swans? Thestrals?

Eight I-think-he-hates-me,
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♬ ♪♬ ♫ Fiiiiive really fun guys!!! ♪ ♫ ♫ ♬ ♬
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a beer.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Eleven candy canes that kinda look like Slimey the Worm,

See?

Ten piles of nothing (You FORGOT?!),

Nine kiwis riding,

Eight runny egg yolks,
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♬ ♪♩♬ ♫ Fiiiiiive agaricus bisporus! ♪ ♫♩♩♫ ♬ ♬
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a reason to have the ER on speed dial.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Thirteen TWELVE fake flowers,
Eleven Slimey Canes,
Ten lots a' nothing,

Nine kiwis riding,
Eight counts of salmonella,
Seven snowmen melting,

Six pounds of icing,

♫♭♫ ♬ ♪♫♭♫♩♬ ♫ Fiiiiiiive SUPER fun guys!!! ♪ ♫♭♩♫♩♫ ♬ ♬ ♭♫
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a Cake Wrecks Calendar
for me!

Thanks to Michelle, Amanda C., Kyle C., Cheyanne, Joel S., Georgia T., Erin T., Monica K., NWM, Monica B., Jana S., & Jon D., who have been counting down the days 'til they could endorse a fine product like the 2011 Cake Wrecks Wall Calendar. [nodding earnestly] It's true. Take my word for it. No need to ask any of them. Or even check to see if they are, in fact, real people.

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CCC Day #4

Best Friends Animal Society operates the nation's largest sanctuary for abused and abandoned animals, from cats and dogs to rabbits and horses. Their mission is to create a world with no more homeless pets. Period.

Click here to donate your dollar!