The Future's So Brite...

With graduation season over, you might be tempted to revel in the heady hopes of a brighter tomorrow, what with all these freshly educated, newly degreed youngins descending upon our workforce and all.

I'm here to fix all that.

This cake was supposed to say - I kid you not - "It's a girl."

That apostrophe placement will be haunting my dreams tonight.

Of course, it's also possible to get the spelling and punctuation perfect, while still completely missing the point:

Granted, this could be a "he said, she said" issue.

Hey, remember when preschoolers were taught to put the square blocks in the square holes, and the round blocks in the round holes?

Do they not do that anymore?

For some reason I'm getting the feeling this is supposed to be a base"ball." Odd.

And remember that toy with the pull string that told you what the dog says?

Do they not have those anymore, either?

Wait. Is that a cat?

Ok, now I'm really confused.

Still, I guess we can take comfort in knowing that these wreckerators won't always be wreckerators:

Eventually they'll get promoted to management.

Thanks to Becky A., Jane R., Stacey S., Jennifer V., & Alissa P., who want to ask that employee in the background, "Hey, why the long face?"

When "Falker Satherhood" Is Just Too Wordy

So, how do you tell your dad how much you appreciate him this Sunday?

Well, hopefully not like this:

"Fatters Day is kind of like Father's Day, only for fatties. So - and think carefully before you answer this - would you like a slice of cake, Dad?"

The moral here is if you add enough shredded coconut, no one will notice you wrote "Happy Fathday's Day."

Of course, if you do write it wrong, the good news is you can always fix it:

*sigh*


Oh, hey! If your father's dad is named George, then this next one almost makes sense!

What? I said "almost."

Now, brace yourself for my famous Goldmember impression in 3..2..

"My farza is toit loyk uh toyger! Schmoke and a pancake?"

[bowing] Thank you. Thank you very much.

Or, if you want to take it one step "ferther":

Ah, how I yearn for the day when I'll have a title* worthy of all-cap block letters.

"How are you, HER SUPREME CAKEY SNARK PERSON?"

"Fine, thanks."

"Gerald, have you met HER SUPREME CAKEY SNARK PERSON? She's quite snarky, you know."

"Yes, yes, I've known HER SUPREME CAKEY SNARK PERSON for years!"

Ok, so the actual title needs work, but I rather like it. Especially since it would give the impression that everyone talking about me has Tourette's.


Thanks to Anony M., Brenda Jo, Jessica I., Kristen R., Kristina, & Toni S. who ARE ALL AWESOME PEOPLE.

*Update from john: As far as we can tell, this cake was not made for a Haitian dictator.

Wreck-A-Bye Baby

Sometimes I like to think this blog might have a positive influence on current baking trends. (Oh, stop laughing. A girl can dream.) So, what do you say we mosey on over to a few of our nation's baby showers and see how things are going?

Wonderful!

I mean, sure, "beby" is misspelled, and there's a giant funky headboard thing happening, and the doll is staring at me all creepy-like, but the baby itself is not edible. That's progress, people!

Hey, a lot of those letters are right.

In fact - and feel free to correct me here if I'm wrong - I think "cohgrautions" may be the Canadian spelling.

You might be wondering how many tracts of land they had to search to find these two peas in a pod, or why the baker didn't make the "peas" green. That said, it's not a pregnant torso cake.

Plus it makes me want to start singing "Keep Walking" by the French Peas, so that's a "win" all 'round.


This next one may cause a bit of a flap, but I'll have no truck with such negativity:

After all, nothing drives home the beauty of motherhood quite like a pregnant mudflap girl. Eh? Eh? Am I right?

Well, my friends, I think I've made my point: baby shower cakes are getting better! And all because of me! ME, I SAY!! BWAHAHAHAAA!!

AHAHAHAAAHAA!!

BAHAHAHAA...

...huh?


AAAAAUUUGGHH!!


[blink blink]

Well.

Back to business as usual, then?

Thanks to Sose K., Krista M., Susan M., Bob S., & Carly A. for dashing my dreams. You cruel, cruel wreckporters, you.

Wrecky Conga Lines

My dear bakers, I'm going to teach you how to spell "Congratulations" if it's the last thing I do. I mean it. We're going to sit down RIGHT NOW and hash this thing out, and I'm not giving up until each and every one of you can spell this word backwards, forwards, and without using a single letter "d." You hear me? I am NOT GIVING UP.

I give up.

Ok, look. How about you just abbreviate it?

Not that much.

No...


[head on desk] No...


[in fetal position under desk] Losing...faith...in humanity...

Does...does that really say "Congris"?

Does it?!


Ok, I have an idea.

[whispering in ear]

I'll take it.

Hey, Aimee T., David G., Colleen G., Lianne I., Super Happy Girl, Julie M., & Nicole V., you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand, do you? My cookie cake was slaughtered by a six-fingered hand.

I'm Grad, I'm Grad, You Know It, HEEE hee!

Graduation season is upon us, which means you're going to be seeing a lot of stuff like this:

But then, I guess you see guys in sunglasses driving trucks pretty often anyway.

Still, when it comes to celebrating your graduation, not just any cake will do. We're talking years and years of educational accomplishment here! You need something special. Something momentous. Something, dare I say...groundbreaking?

Booyah.

(I dubbeth thee "earthcake.")

Or, for those who like things a little twisted:

The Grad Tornado.

(Get off my lawn!)


You could also go the "Wait...what?" route:

Are You Grad! Are You Grad!

Wait.

What?


Well, if all else fails, there's always the simple, heart-felt, "Congratulations":


Or, sure, something like that.

Thanks to wreckporters Tracie K., Jessica S., Shelley G., John I., & Heather W. for the education.

------------------------------------------------

Aaaand...HEADDESK!

To learn the definition of the term "headdesk" you could look it up in the urban dictionary.

Or you could just look at these cakes.

Your spelling's not! Thanks!

(Bonus: Read that line out loud, and every preschooler within earshot will love you.)

STOP.
It's time to get the hammer.

Roo Hoo? Dangit, now I want a Yoo Hoo.
Do they even still make those?

Basketball fans, the ball's in your court.


So remember: it's "i" before "e" except when you're trying to draw a friggin' peace sign.

Which, incidentally, is supposed to look like this:

[repeated thudding sound]

[rubbing forehead] Thanks to Shawna K., Mary D., Caitlin I., Stacey S., & Angi A. for this awful headache.

Giving Wrecks a Bad Name

Parents, if you don't want to risk bruised feelings on their birthdays, I suggest you NOT name any of your children "Cubby":

Or "Angus":

("Why, I declare, I didn't know it was the Colonel's birthday!")

Or "Ritchie":

And don't even *think* about "Bobby":

(Got milk?)

Or, heaven forbid, "Trudi":

And while you're at it, you'd better avoid pet names like "honey bunny," too:

In fact, maybe you should just leave names off your cakes all together. That way, nothing can go wrong.

I rest my case.

Thanks to wreckporters Laura R., Lacey C., Trisha A., Brian C., Kirsten H., Kelly N., & Erica for the name-calling.

Tae Kwon "DO'H!"

Approach, students.

You have come to me asking that I be your guide along this tale of Wreckage, but first I should mention that little Kyle here is taking Tae Kwon Do:

I should also probably stop calling him "little" Kyle.


After all, he could be earning his "Black Blet:"

(Presumably by doing step aerobics.)


Or, he might look like this:

(And wouldn't that be a boot to the head?)

Or - OR - he might know 6-year-old Mercedes here:

And, shoot, that's one little pistol I aim to avoid.
(I hear she's got a hair-trigger temper.)

Thanks to Heather H., Heather D., Liz M., and Kelsey E., for today's round of bullet points. Now, let us rejoin the mind to the body and meditate upon this wisdom.

And maybe sing a little.

Nyaa nyaa!

Because Patience and Kindness are Overrated

I didn't think it'd been that long since my wedding reception, but apparently I'm already behind the times. Used to be, folks just clinked their glasses any time they wanted the happy couple to kiss.

Now I see bakers are taking it a step further:

And then some.

Don't see it? Here, let me zoom in:

Now, cue the music, DJ! It's time for the groom to DANCE.

Thanks to Heather C. for finally finding a wedding wreck to rival "faith, hope, thrust."

HB to Me!

Let's see...

In 2009, I announced the publication of my first-ever book, Cake Wrecks, which went on to become a New York Times' best-seller. (woot woot!)

In 2010, I launched my other blog, Epbot, which went on to become "that steampunk blog by the Cake Wrecks girl - you know, what's-her-name." (woot woot!)

Now here we are again, my birthday, 2011. How can I top these past two years? What big news will I break? What ground-breaking, trail-blazing new venture will I embark upon?

***

No, really. Have any ideas?

Nothing? Really? Huh.

[tapping teeth]

Well, I guess I could always try to find a good birthday wre...

Whoah.

Well, that didn't take long.

Let's see what else I've got in the ol' files here...

I'm not sure what this says about me, but all I see is "Happy bowel disease."

Well, praise B!

That's...not much better. (Does that really say "happiy?")

Theeere we go. Perfect.


Phew! What a relief!

...

Who's Walter?

And my personal favorite:

When obscene phone calls become cakes.



Well, as fun as that was, I still feel like I should be doing something a little more - I dunno - exceptional for my birthday post. Hmm.

Oh!

I know!

There IS this little thing John and I happened to throw together last night...

And now, on the off chance you're experiencing some unconscious need to make me happy by pre-ordering yourself some wrecky goodness...[please please please???]...the goodness is available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Borders, and everywhere else books are sold. Just think: all of your holiday shopping could be done in the next five minutes. Eh?

As a further icing carrot, here are a few fun facts:

- 232 pages of wreckage (yes, it's even longer than the first book. I, uh, got a little carried away.)
- gorgeous hardcover for prime gift-giving goodness
- approximately 75% all new content, with nearly 100% new commentary.
- Have I mentioned it's my birthday?
- and that it's only $14.99 (or less)?
- and said "please?"

Thanks to Michelle K., Jennifer A., Alicia J., John Y. (aka johnthehubbyofJen - because, yes, we look for Wrecks, too!), Amber T., & Lorraine D. for my birthday cakes.