Just don't get your cutie-patootie any of these:
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These could lead to a lot of fun "what's that supposed to mean?" conversations:
Here's a great one to give your SO in mixed company:

"Baby, your lover would like you to take the trash out."
"Baby, your lover is going to the store."
"Baby, your lover gets the not-so-subtle hint from your Valentine's present..."


Now, these cake/cookie things may suffer from the whole bum-crack affliction:

...but they still look way more appetizing than these:
(For those of you who don't remember kindergarten, ABC = "Already Been Chewed".)
Gabrielle H., Maya C., Anne M., Kandace H., Michael H., & Ben O., John's lover thanks you.